“Why Am I So Hard on Myself?”
One of the most common questions I hear in therapy isn’t about trauma.
It’s this:
“Why am I so hard on myself?”
Maybe you recognize some version of this voice.
“Why did I say that?”
“Everyone probably thinks I’m ridiculous.”
“I should have done better.”
“Why can’t I just get over this?”
“I’m too sensitive.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
“You should have figured this out by now.”
If you’ve ever found yourself mentally replaying conversations, criticizing yourself after making a mistake, or feeling like nothing you do is ever quite enough, you’re not alone.
Many people call this the inner critic.
And while it can feel relentless, there is good news:
Your inner critic probably isn’t trying to hurt you.
It’s trying to protect you.
What Is an Inner Critic?
The inner critic is the voice that constantly evaluates, judges, compares, and second-guesses.
It often sounds convincing because it has usually been practicing for years.
Sometimes decades.
Many people assume they simply have low self-esteem or aren’t confident enough.
But from a trauma-informed perspective, we often ask a different question:
What is this part trying to protect you from?
That question changes everything.
Your Inner Critic May Be a Protector
One of the biggest shifts many people experience in therapy is realizing that the inner critic usually developed for a reason.
It may have learned that criticism kept you safe.
If I never make mistakes…
Maybe I won’t be rejected.
If I’m perfect…
Maybe I’ll be loved.
If I never inconvenience anyone…
Maybe people won’t leave.
If I criticize myself first…
Maybe nobody else will or it will hurt less when someone does.
These adaptive survival strategies.
Children are remarkably creative at figuring out what helps them stay connected to the people they depend on.
Sometimes being quiet felt safest.
Sometimes achieving felt safest.
Sometimes becoming “the easy kid” felt safest.
Years later, those same strategies can continue long after the perceived original danger has passed.
Why Positive Thinking Often Doesn’t Help
For years, I tried arguing with my own inner critic.
I’d tell myself:
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“You’re fine.”
“Just think positive.”
Sometimes it worked—for about five minutes.
Then the critic came back louder.
Why?
Because you usually can’t logic your nervous system out of feeling unsafe.
When a protective part believes criticism prevents rejection or failure, simply telling it to “be positive” rarely changes its mind.
It often feels unheard.
And like many of us, when something feels unheard…
It gets louder.
Three Ways to Begin Softening Your Inner Critic
1. Notice the Critic
The first step isn’t making it disappear.
It’s simply noticing.
Instead of immediately arguing with it, pause.
You might gently say:
“I notice my inner critic is here.”
Or
“There’s that protective voice again.”
Sometimes simply naming what’s happening creates enough space for something different.
2. Thank It for Trying to Protect You
This may feel strange at first.
But try asking yourself:
What is this part afraid would happen if it stopped criticizing me?
Maybe it’s afraid you’ll embarrass yourself.
Maybe it’s trying to prevent rejection.
Maybe it believes criticism keeps you motivated.
Instead of fighting it, try saying:
“Thank you for trying so hard to protect me.”
You don’t have to agree with the strategy to appreciate the intention.
That small shift often changes the relationship to the part.
Blog on how to explore a part like your Inner Critic and how it is trying to help you: IFS Therapy in Colorado: Why Curiosity Is a First Step to Healing – Colorado Wildflower Counseling
3. Stop Trying to Win the Argument
Many of us spend hours mentally debating the critic.
“Maybe they didn’t notice.”
“Maybe I’m okay.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Instead of proving the critic wrong, what if you practiced tolerating uncertainty?
Maybe someone misunderstood you.
Maybe you weren’t perfect.
Maybe everyone won’t like you.
And maybe…
You can still be okay.
Learning to tolerate discomfort helps your nervous system become more flexible instead of constantly chasing certainty.
How EMDR Helps the Inner Critic
EMDR therapy helps process the experiences that often shaped the inner critic in the first place.
Many critical beliefs aren’t random.
They’re connected to moments when your brain concluded:
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m too much.”
“I’m unsafe.”
“I have to be perfect.”
As these experiences are reprocessed, many people notice that the critic naturally loses intensity.
Not because they’re forcing positive thoughts.
Because the brain no longer experiences those old lessons as present-day reality.
How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Helps
IFS views the inner critic as one protective part of your internal system.
Rather than trying to silence it, we become curious.
What is it protecting?
How old does it feel?
When did it first take on this role?
What is it worried will happen if it stops doing this work?
Who might this part be protecting?
As protective parts begin to trust that they no longer have to carry everything alone, they often transform.
The harsh coach gradually becomes a wise advisor.
Or even a compassionate cheerleader.
How Somatic Therapy Helps
Self-criticism isn’t just something we think.
It’s something we feel.
You might notice:
- tight shoulders
- a clenched jaw
- shallow breathing
- a sinking feeling or pit in your stomach
- tension in your chest
Somatic therapy helps your nervous system experience moments of safety that your body may not have experienced before.
As your body begins feeling safer, your inner critic often doesn’t have to work quite so hard.
Check out my blogs on Somatic Therapy and Nervous System Regulation tools:
How Somatic Therapy Can Help You Heal – Colorado Wildflower Counseling
Nervous System Regulation: Overcome Trauma, Stress, Anxiety
Embodiment Exercises – Colorado Wildflower Counseling
You Don’t Need to Get Rid of Your Inner Critic
Many people come to therapy wanting to eliminate it completely.
But healing often looks different.
Over time, something surprising happens.
The voice changes.
Instead of:
“What’s wrong with you?”
It begins asking:
“Are you okay?”
Instead of:
“Do better.”
It says:
“I’m here if you need support.”
The goal isn’t to become someone who never doubts themselves.
The goal is to develop a relationship with yourself that is kinder, steadier, and more compassionate. Even getting some space from the Inner Critic to acknowledge, listen and turn back to your more centered self allows you to breathe through what ever it has to say.
Therapy for Self-Criticism, Perfectionism, and Anxiety in Colorado
At Colorado Wildflower Counseling, I work with adults navigating:
- chronic self-criticism
- perfectionism
- anxiety
- people pleasing
- childhood emotional neglect
- attachment wounds
- trauma
- intrusive thoughts
- nervous system regulation
Using EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and somatic therapy, we gently help your nervous system update old patterns so you no longer have to live in constant self-protection.
You don’t have to spend the rest of your life arguing with your inner critic.
Healing is possible.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is my inner critic so loud?
The inner critic often develops as a protective strategy to help avoid rejection, failure, embarrassment, or conflict. While painful, it usually began as an attempt to keep you safe.
Can EMDR help with self-criticism?
Yes. EMDR can help process experiences that contributed to negative beliefs about yourself, reducing the emotional intensity behind those beliefs over time.
Does IFS work for the inner critic?
Yes. IFS helps you understand your inner critic as a protective part rather than an enemy, allowing it to shift into a less extreme role.
Why doesn’t positive thinking help my inner critic?
Because the inner critic is often connected to deeper nervous system learning and protective responses. Lasting change usually involves processing those underlying experiences rather than repeatedly arguing with the thoughts.
eady to heal?
Call, text or email now to get a free consultation:
Contact – Colorado Wildflower Counseling
Therapy: EMDR IFS somatic – Colorado Wildflower Counseling
Check out my instagram here, also. Naomi-EMDR, IFS, Somatic therapist in Colorado (@coloradowildflowercounseling) • Instagram photos and videos
And my brand new Tik Tok account which is also a work in progress: Colorado Wildflower Counseling (@colorado.wildflow) | TikTok
Naomi Greenstone, LCSW is an EMDR-certified therapist in Colorado specializing in trauma, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, parenting, attachment wounds, nervous system regulation, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and somatic therapy.
